Jul 24, 2026

Handling Tantrums and Rants, and Learning to Look After Myself Too

Part 6 of 6 — the final part of the Neurodivergent Parenting series. ← Previous: Part 5

If It's a Tantrum

The first thing I do is breathe and calm down myself, so I don't react before I have the full picture. I listen, nod, and say, "I hear you say that you feel..." and mirror back what she's said. I give her my decision in a calm voice, and I keep it short.

Sometimes she understands and huffs off. Sometimes she refuses to understand and gets louder, angrier, or tries to manipulate the situation. That's when I put on my firm parent voice:

"I have given you my answer, and I will not negotiate it with you or continue to talk to you if your behaviour continues."

We criticise the behaviour, not the person.

If she continues, I walk away. If she follows and keeps going, I ignore her and refuse to interact. Sometimes that's ten minutes of her throwing a tantrum and screaming — but I have to stay firm and not react.

This will be hard at first. They will try to get you to react. Stay firm.

These days it doesn't last longer than a few minutes. I say, "We can have a conversation about what is bothering you, but when you are calm and not shouting at me." Normally she huffs off, bangs her bedroom door, and calms down. A few hours later — sometimes just one — she comes back and apologises.

I still allow the door banging, much to the disagreement of people who observe it. But it works for us.

The Teenage Rant

When she rants, I let her rant and I listen. I even let her swear — not at me, not as a personal attack, but as a way of describing how she feels. I read somewhere that people who swear descriptively (not abusively) tend to be healthier, because it releases frustration. So as long as it's not aimed at anyone, I allow it.

She doesn't swear every time she rants — how much she does tells me her actual level of frustration, which helps me know how to respond.

I nod, say "I hear you," and mirror back what she's said. Once she's done, I ask: "Do you want me to respond or give my advice?"

For teenagers, sometimes they just need to be heard. If she wants advice, she feels comfortable enough to ask for it, because we talk calmly and support each other. If either of us says something unacceptable, we take a time out and come back once we're calm. She calls me on my behaviour too, and I appreciate it — I have to model what I'm asking of her, not just lecture her about it.

Setting Boundaries for Myself

Here's something I don't think gets said enough: I need boundaries too. I'm human, and there are times when I don't have the capacity to give her what she needs in that exact moment — sometimes, just like she does, because I'm undiagnosed ADHD myself.

Why I started doing this: too often, she would have a meltdown or tantrum, and I would scream louder, become so rigid, not listen to her at all. In the end, we both felt like no one was listening. This didn't help matters. All it did was alienate my daughter, our relationship suffered, and she would shut down and not talk to me about what was bothering her.

If she wants to chat, rant, or throw a tantrum, and I'm already too overwhelmed, or I'm not certain my response won't negatively affect her in that moment, I calmly say: "Baby, I love you, but right now, I need a few minutes to myself first."

When I'm certain I'm able to respond with the love and support she needs, I go back to her and say, "How can I help?"

When I React Badly

If in the moment she has a tantrum, rant, or meltdown and I react negatively — when we're both screaming at the top of our lungs to be heard — I simply walk away and shout, "I'm not dealing with this!" And I stomp out.

When I sit down and finally breathe and calm down, I realise I shouldn't have reacted that way. I am the adult and the parent, and she needed my support, not an emotional response that just makes her feel worse.

That's when I calmly go back to her and apologise. I knock on her door, open it, and say: "I was feeling overwhelmed, and you didn't deserve to be treated like that. I apologise. I'm not promising it won't happen again, but I will always be honest about my feelings."

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I was incredibly nervous about her going into puberty and dealing with hormones on top of ADHD. But because we now have a solid relationship, the meltdowns, tantrums, and rants are easier to deal with.

So to the question, "How do I handle meltdowns?" — there is no one specific way. But I hope this series has given you some things to try at home.

Guide with love and support. With lots of love and a healthy dose of patience — and yes, laughter, for us — you'll keep navigating this path too.

If you're on this journey, know you're not alone. Understanding your child's emotions and needs takes time, patience, and a lot of trial and error. But the bond you build through it is worth every difficult moment.

Tania, Tansley Express