What Shapes Your Kids Isn't Your Advice, It's How You Handle Your Urge to Control

The urge to control my response is something I have to deal with daily. Sometimes they are epic fails, and other times I am cool as a cucumber. This depends on a lot of things: my stress levels, how many different things are running around in my brain, the ADHD of it all, and whether I'm able to manage them decides how I respond.

And it's tough. As a single mother with ADHD, I have a million things running through my brain: what to cook for supper, did she have a good day at school, will I be able to pay the bills, what will people say when they read my next blog, and that's only a brief five minutes of every day. Sometimes it gets to me. Other times I realise that my daughter is still the child, still learning to navigate, and I am the adult, still learning to navigate too. But her emotional safety, how she sees herself, depends on how I respond in the moment.

Do I profess perfection? Absolutely not.

Mean Mommy and Kind Mommy

We have our phrases. There's mean mommy and kind mommy. She's allowed to tell me when mean mommy surfaces, and I'm allowed to tell her why mean mommy reared her ugly head. In that way we process, and we're able to reach an agreement, or sometimes we walk away. But ultimately, we get to a point where we both hear each other's frustration and angst. She realises that I don't love her any less, even if I'm not happy with the behaviour she displayed. Because it's about the behaviour, not the person.

Do I take mean mommy and kind mommy personally? Absolutely not. It's her way of saying to me, you need to hear what I'm saying. Many people frown at that, because on the face of it, it looks like disrespect. I see it for what it is: overwhelm, or on its way to overwhelm.

What I've realised is that even in the awkward moments, when I think back after responding in an unreasonable way, in the calm moments, days after, weeks after, or even months after, when we're sitting chatting about everything and nothing, the very thing I was trying to teach is what she tells me back. And in my mind, I know she does listen. It does land.

The Second Piercing

This is something I think about all the time: how do I explain something to my daughter so that it sticks? In my home it's a constant negotiation.

My daughter wanted a second ear piercing, and I said no, because she's at school and it's not something she should do right now, perhaps later when she's 16. The lesson I learned was: if she wants something, and it's important enough to her, she'll find a way.

The morning after I said no, my daughter looked at me and said, "Mommy, do you like my earrings?" I noticed a second piercing. In my head, I was running a hundred miles an hour. Did she have the opportunity to leave school and get it done? I knew the answer was no, she didn't have the opportunity when she got home either, so I asked the awkward question: how did you get it pierced?

The answer nearly floored me. I had to fight the urge to go full rage, but if I think about it now, it wasn't rage, it was fear. If she could pierce her own ears without anaesthetic or professional equipment, what else was she capable of? When I asked why, she simply said, "Because you said no."

The lesson I learned is that even though our ideas don't align, I need to realise that my daughter is incredibly impulsive, and if I want to keep her safe, keeping a cool head and responding to things like this can have a direct impact on her future behaviour.

The Blue Hair Conversation

So now, when she says she'll dye her hair blue, I no longer think about school rules or simply saying no. We have a conversation about it. I find out why it's important to her. I'm allowed to give my side of the story, and most times she actually comes back after thinking about it and realises it wasn't a great idea, or maybe not the best time, or maybe suitable at a different time.

Then there are the times I really have to get through to her, because I understand peer pressure, and I also know her impulsivity. We have certain non-negotiables. The use of substances is an absolute no. I've had the gentle mom talk, I've had the medical and religious talk, but I've also had the mean mommy talk. Because the truth is, in the heat of the moment, I have no idea what the situation will be, what her emotions will be, or the environment, and I can't control that. The only thing I hope and pray is that one of those conversations landed, so that when she's faced with the situation, she knows how to deal with it.

Brick by Brick

So responding to situations is imperative to our daily life and how we move from day to day. Some days we have calm days. Sometimes we have a ten minute scream session. But what we always do is return, apologise if needed, and listen to each other, whether it's hours, days, or weeks later. That's how we build our relationship, brick by brick.

And in this way, I feel safe knowing that when my daughter is an adult, and I have to let her out into this big, bad, crazy, and wild world, she'll be okay.

— Tania, Tansley Express