ADHD in Girls: Early Signs Parents and Teachers Often Miss

I'm going to be perfectly candid and tell you my story.

I found out I was pregnant in my second trimester. At that time, and for years prior, I had been on antidepressants, suffering from PTSD and major depressive disorder due to a traumatic event. I never believed I would fall pregnant, and when I did, I was told the baby wouldn't survive past age two.

But on April 1st—yes, April Fools' Day—I gave birth to a 2.5-kilogram baby girl. We were shocked because the scan had indicated that it was a boy. She was and is my miracle baby.

It is with all of this in mind that when I saw larger-than-life behaviour as a baby, toddler, and beyond, I always reasoned it away.

Why ADHD in Girls Goes Undiagnosed

Like most parents of neurodivergent kids, we have many stories. My daughter is now 14, and one story stands out clearly—a story that should probably have been a red flag, but I didn't know enough about neurodivergence or what to look for.

At the time, research stated that dyslexia could only be fully diagnosed at age nine, so I waited. And ADHD? That was a "boy thing," not something girls suffered from. This misconception cost us years of understanding and appropriate support.

Fortunately, new research is constantly emerging, and there are early signs we can recognise now. If I look back with the knowledge I have today, I see them clearly.

The Play Room Story: My First Major Red Flag

As a teacher, I wanted my child to explore and learn at her own pace and in her own way. My job was to provide the resources and guide her. In her bedroom at age three, she had multiple learning stations: one table for colouring and drawing, blocks in one corner, playdough on another table, a bookshelf, and lots of toys and puzzles.

I thought I was doing the best for her, allowing her to explore and learn through play with no structured classroom-style learning. In retrospect, this environment was probably too overwhelming for a neurodivergent child.

Please note: I am NOT saying that giving your child many ways to learn through play is a bad thing. Learning through play is critical for young children. This is just to give you perspective on how I reasoned her behaviour and how our story unfolded.

The Pattern That Changed Everything

By the time she was five years old, a clear pattern had developed. Because she had so many things available, when she would start playing and the room became too "messy," she would move to a "cleaner" area. Within a few hours, the entire house would be filled with toys, pictures, books, and puzzles.

I allowed her to learn in her own way, and we would start packing up together—but mostly, I was packing up all the time. When it came time to put things away, that's when the big feelings would start.

I reasoned everything away: she was tired and needed a nap, or hungry and needed something to eat. I asked questions, but mostly put it down to "she's a child, she's learning."

Fast forward a few months. This pattern continued daily: play, mess, move, mess, time to clean, big feelings.

The Toy Experiment That Taught Me Everything

Eventually, I grew tired of constantly picking up and cleaning up. I threatened to take away all her toys if she didn't clean up after herself. When she didn't comply, I made her help me pack up everything and put it in a cupboard. She cried and wasn't happy, but complied.

At the time, I thought I could adjust the behaviour. After all, she had to learn that there are consequences for her actions.

Except she had her own plans.

The only thing she showed me was that she didn't need her toys or the myriad of things I'd bought her. She went on to play with other things and had the most fun with empty cardboard boxes. I waited for her to come back and ask for her toys, but she didn't. It didn't bother her in the least.

After more than a month, I asked if she missed her toys. She said no and continued playing with the boxes and anything else she could find.

Eventually, after six weeks, I gave back all her toys, and we continued the same pattern: play, mess, move. I simply accepted my fate. Sometimes we would clean together, and other times it would be a total meltdown.

What I Understand Now: The Real Story Behind the Mess

Looking back at this story with the knowledge I have now, I realise something crucial: when the room was messy, she wasn't looking for a clean room to play in just for the sake of messing up the place. The room, space, or mess had become too overwhelming, and moving to a safe and calm place was her objective.

When the next area became too overwhelming, she would move again. And when there were no longer any safe or calm areas—or when I asked her to clean up—the big feelings would happen. She was so overwhelmed with the task that she had no idea how or where to start, and so the meltdown would begin.

This wasn't defiance. This wasn't laziness. This was a neurodivergent child trying to regulate her sensory environment and becoming completely overwhelmed when she couldn't.

Early ADHD Signs I Recognise Now

If you're reading this and wondering whether your daughter might have ADHD, here are some signs I can now recognise clearly:

• Sensory overwhelm in stimulating environments: Moving from space to space to find calm

• Difficulty with transitions: Especially from preferred activities to non-preferred tasks

• Extreme emotional responses: What seemed like "overreactions" to minor frustrations

• Executive function challenges: Not knowing where to start with multi-step tasks like cleaning up

• Finding alternative solutions: Like playing with boxes instead of toys—creative thinking, but difficulty with expected behaviours

• Need for movement and change: Inability to stay in one place or with one activity for long

My daughter was officially diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia at age nine. At the time, research suggested waiting until nine for a dyslexia diagnosis. But the signs were there much earlier—I just didn't know what I was looking at.

Why This Matters for Your Family

Getting to the point of understanding took lots of research, trial and error, and asking questions. But mostly, it required me to stop trying to get her to change and start understanding what my role as a parent to a neurodivergent child truly is.

If you're seeing similar patterns in your daughter—the overwhelm, the big feelings, the difficulty with tasks that seem simple—trust your instincts. ADHD in girls often looks different from that in boys. It's less about hyperactivity and more about internal overwhelm, emotional dysregulation, and challenges with executive function.

The earlier you understand what's happening, the earlier you can provide the right support. Not punishment for behaviour that looks like defiance but is actually overwhelm. Not consequences for a brain that works differently. But understanding, accommodation, and strategies that actually help.

Support Your Child's Emotional Wellbeing 💛

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